Of
what avail is it if we can travel
to the moon,
If we cannot cross the abyss that
separates us from ourselves.
This is the most important of
all journeys
And without it, all the rest are
useless.
-Thomas
Merton
Why
is there an abyss that separates
us from ourselves? Because we
have no time to look and explore?
Because we are so busy looking
outward all the time? Because
we are afraid to look inside?
We lack self-awareness because
we are not able to disengage from
our habitual and total identification
with who we think we are. We are
like actors on a stage, who fail
to realise that we are mere actors.
We have taken our roles so seriously
that the drama of life appears
totally real and we are fully
and helplessly identified with
our perceived roles, with our
beliefs, with our thoughts and
emotions.
And so when we are angry, we are
not able to witness our anger.
When we are excited, we are not
able to see our excitement. When
we are jealous, we are not able
to see our jealousy. When we are
bored, we are not able to see
our boredom. When we are hurt,
we are not able to see our hurt.
We are fully identified with our
anger, excitement, jealousy, boredom,
hurt,… When the emotion
is agreeable, we cling to it and
want it to continue. But when
it is disagreeable, we resist
it and try to escape from it.
All these reactions take place
spontaneously without our awareness.
At best, it is a dim awareness,
not a clear awareness.
And thus life goes on, days go
by,… We are dimly aware
of a sense of nagging unease within
us, a residual tension. But we
do not pause in the midst of our
activities to explore it, and
we do everything possible to evade
it, with the mind always engaging
in some activity or other. We
have trained ourselves to believe
that “an empty mind is a
devil’s workshop”.
The truth is that we have never
allowed ourselves to experience
the empty mind. We are compulsively
addicted to mental activity, over
which we have little or no control.
We would rather pay any price
for this addiction and suffer,
than gain freedom from it.
We are afraid of venturing deep
into ourselves, because we may
encounter a void that could well
destroy our present identity.
This is perhaps the root cause
of the nagging unease and tension
that is always in the background
of our lives.
We
do not experience deep inner peace,
perhaps because we do not want
it enough. The ego-self in each
of us is afraid of its own extinction,
and the only way for it to ensure
its continued survival is by constant
activity. At the heart of its
existence, there is a deep sense
of insecurity. There are aspects
of the ego-self within each of
us that are perpetually on the
lookout against possible danger,
suspicious of the world around
and inside us, fearful of losing
control, ever-seeking to preserve
and project a presentable image
of ourselves to others…
So much of our energy is dissipated
in these full-time projects that
it is no wonder that we are subject
to a constant under-current of
tension.
Unfortunately, in spite of all
our efforts, things rarely happen
the way we want them to happen.
People do not behave the way we
want them to behave. The daily
newspapers are filled more with
depressing news and horror stories
than with stories of hope and
promise. The lack of well-being
in the world around us mirrors
the lack of well-being within
us, although we do our best to
resist it or ignore it or escape
from it through ‘entertainment’.
When we feel bad, it is always
the system around us that we blame.
When we fail to take responsibility
for our inner world, how can we
ever imagine that we are also
responsible for whatever is happening
in the outer world?
We do our best to uphold a sense
of security by striving endlessly
for increased possessions, relationships,
knowledge, fame, power, etc. In
this way, we hope to find happiness
in the future. We do not realise
that what we seek in the future
is missing in the present, and
that the present is all that we
have. Clearly, is there not something
radically wrong in this manner
of living?
Our education does little to teach
us otherwise. Indeed, is it not
true that our education is primarily
but a means to earn a livelihood?
Our education does achieve this
for us. It gives us a livelihood,
but does not teach us how to live.
It gives us jobs, but not character.
It also gives us knowledge of
the external world, but it does
not give us wisdom and completely
neglects our inner world.
Now, read these lines of Thomas
Merton once again, and see the
profound truth to which they point.
Of
what avail is it if we can travel
to the moon,
If we cannot cross the abyss that
separates us from ourselves.
This is the most important of
all journeys
And without it, all the rest are
useless.
We
are not who we think we are. When
we discover this first-hand, a
radical transformation takes place.
Second-hand knowledge from others
and so-called “spiritual”
activities may point the way,
and give us glimpses, but we need
to go all the way, which means
transcending the way of life dictated
by the ego-self. This is not change;
it is a transformation, and that
too, an inner one. We discover
that instead of spending all our
energies in trying to change our
external circumstances, we devote
an increasing chunk of our energy
to simply switching on the inner
light of self-awareness.
If we have ever experienced moments
of deep inner peace, we would
have glimpsed a world in which
there is no separation of the
individual from the universal.
Temporarily, the ego-self has
dissolved, and we are one with
all that we experience. We are
the sky, the clouds, the birds,
the trees, the animals, the buildings,
the cars, the people, the stars
and the blades of grass. In this
state of ‘no-mind’,
there is no separation between
‘me’ and ‘not
me’, and therefore nothing
to be afraid of. The habitual
nagging sense of unease is replaced
by a strange feeling of joy that
is hard to describe.
There is a profound feeling of
inner peace, a great expansion
of awareness, where everything
looks vast and feels beautiful.
There is harmony, order and perfection
all around. There is nothing to
do, nothing to seek, nothing to
become. We simply rest in a state
of being. And yet in that stillness,
there is a wonderful aliveness
all round. One’s senses
are fully alive, one sees wonderful
colours and forms, one hears wonderful
sounds, one smells wondrous scents,
one tastes and feels the wonderful
ambience around.
When one emerges from that wonderful
experience, the ambience returns
to the ordinary, but one is never
the same again.
We have glimpsed who we are deep
within ourselves, and we do not
get fooled by the ego-self so
easily. We have found some space
within ourselves, a sanctuary
into which we can retreat and
find deep inner peace. Initially,
it is difficult to make this retreat,
but it becomes easier with practice,
with meditation.
It is then possible to look at
ourselves with greater objectivity
and less fear. We look within
with curiosity, without wanting
to change anything, because we
know deep down that we are much
deeper and vaster than the limited
ego-self. It is then that we can
disengage from any state of mind,
in a way that is similar to disengaging
the engine from the gear in a
car. We have found a ‘clutch’
to separate the content of consciousness
from the vast seamless field of
consciousness. It is then that
we can look at our anger, our
jealousy, our fear, our hurt,
our boredom, from the perspective
of a witness, and that very act
of sustained witnessing brings
freedom. The anger and jealousy
can survive only in the darkness
of non-awareness; it cannot survive
the light of self-awareness.
We see that we are an aggregate
of many personalities: not just
the obvious ones that we project
to the outside world (the so-called
‘persona’), but the
hidden ones that we are secretly
ashamed of and seek to repress
unconsciously (the so-called ‘shadow’).
An easy way to discern the shadow
self is to observe all that irritates
us in other people. We then discover
that the horrible things we see
in others are but amplified projections
of that which lies concealed in
ourselves. By acknowledging and
accepting all these aspects of
ourselves, a great deal of healing
takes place. A great reduction
in the inner tension takes place.
We feel more at home and at ease
wherever we may be. We learn to
let go of the burden of constantly
upholding our sense of self-importance.
We do not mind being who we are.
We also learn to accept others
as they are, and realise that
we are all made of the same stuff.
We discover compassion for ourselves
and for all around us.
More important, by accessing the
state of deep inner peace within
us, we observe that there is ultimately
nothing to fear and nothing to
change at this level. Anchored
in this state, we find ourselves
well equipped to deal with the
world of separateness which we
access through our ego-selves.
We realise that the limited intelligence
of the ego-self is but a pale
reflection of a vast and mysterious
intelligence that lies deep within
each of us. The scientist and
philosopher, who limit themselves
to the realm of reason, cannot
access this vast intelligence,
except by transcendence and recognising
the realms of intuition and insight
that lie beyond reason.
Awakening to the universal being
that is common to all of us does
not liberate us from the individual
and separate ego-self; but it
teaches us how to “live
in the world and yet not be of
the world”. Access to the
background field of ‘free-flowing’
consciousness enables us to become
aware of the ego-self and frees
us from its habitual tendency
to usurp the full field of our
attention. We will still experience
moments of fear, unhappiness,
sorrow, etc., but we can accept
these feelings gracefully. Indeed,
it is the non-resistance that
brings freedom.
The background field of consciousness
is particularly accessible in
solitude amidst natural surroundings,
revealing its inherent serenity,
beauty, joy and aliveness. This
background is perceived in the
gaps between one’s thoughts,
when the mental noise of the ego-self
subsides.
All this is ancient wisdom, old
but forgotten. We need to rediscover
this in our own individual ways
in our daily lives. Could anything
be more important than this?
We cannot and need not escape
from the drama of life. But, by
discovering freedom from our deluded
ego-selves, we end up playing
our roles far more effectively,
without fear, with detachment
and with fulfilment. We are able
to do much more, because, mysteriously,
we get all kinds of support from
various sources in the Universe.
The sense of fulfilment gives
us a feeling of abundance, and
we ask, “What is it that
we can do to help?”, rather
than the usual “What do
I get out of this situation?”
in our various activities. We
make the profound shift from the
path of fear and lack to the path
of love and abundance.
Each one of us is endowed with
special qualities and talents.
Creativity is the free-flowing
expression of these talents. If
only we could devote our energies
to doing the things that we love
to do, how wonderfully fulfilling
life would be! Secure in the wisdom
that deep down we are connected
to infinity, we ask ourselves
a simple question: “Freed
from the mundane lifelong pursuits
of accumulating more and more
wealth, and more and more fame,
imagining that I have an abundance
of these, what would I do? How
would I spend my time?”
The answer to this question unfolds
life’s mission for each
of us.
We are no longer fooled into thinking
that happiness is something that
we can get from outside, or that
individual well-being is possible
at the cost of the well-being
of people and the environment
around us. We do not engage in
activities with the hope that
success in these activities will
bring us happiness and freedom
from our present condition of
stress and non-happiness. Rather,
we have found happiness, and from
that state of happiness, we engage
in activity. We receive guidance
from our connectedness with the
source of everything, that deep
spiritual Essence and Presence,
which underlies, empowers and
unifies everything.
Through awakened awareness, we
embark on an exciting journey
of discovering who we are. At
some point in this journey, we
realise that we are not merely
humans discovering divinity within
us. Rather, we are Divinity who
has consciously chosen the human
and other forms we find ourselves
in.
We take total responsibility for
whatever happens in our inner
world. We accept our responsibility
in healing ourselves, others and
the environment, and in making
the world a better place to live
in. We desist from complaining
and attack.
We radiate the joy, love and peace
that we are.
